Baron Zemo's Lair. - Some advice for Ms.... er, 'Figure'.

Baron Zemo's Lair

Some advice for Ms.... er, 'Figure'.
Sunday, 20-Jun-1999 13:39:39
63.14.29.69 writes:

Well, as a former Legionnaire with no powers and no special skills to think of, I can certainly understand your concerns. However, I quite happily managed to serve for quite a while alongside Yo (who's really rather powerful, although he's nice enough not to mention it) and Donar (who's is pretty effective in battle himself, at least when he's not watching cheap cable programs.) In the end I'd like to think I wasn't totally useless, although I was careful not to bring up the subject too often.

As a result, I'm quite sure you'll do just fine. However, it may help to keep in mind these little tricks I picked up during my tour of duty:

When a fight breaks out, get behind something large... a wall, a bus, Donar, etc... I'm fairly certain that I once heard it's the better part of valor, and anything that keeps you from getting whacked in the head is an absolute good.

Never volunteer for anything. No good will come of it. In fact, the less attention you can draw to yourself in a meeting, the better. Admittedly, that may be more difficult for you than it was for me. Perhaps if you kept an open briefcase on the table in front of you...

Never plug anything in for NTU... *anything*. I had to learn this the hard way, and I still have the unnatural fear of waffle irons to show for it.

Avoid spiffy's cooking at all costs, at least until he learns the difference between 'Tbsp' and 'Tsp' in cookbooks. The Parodyverse Ladies Auxiliary Club thankfully decided not to sue over what his scones did to poor Mrs. Feldergast.

Saturdays from 1-2 pm is Donar's 'Xena' time. It's best to simply steer clear.

The Laundry service that Jarvis hired always uses *way* to much starch, so unless you enjoy excessive chafing, I'd suggest washing your own undergarments.

If you ever hear a rapid series of banging (and it's *not* coming from Lisa's room), it probably means that Yo's bunny has worked its way into the crawl space under the lair again. Please fish it out before it gets a concussion.

I don't know if it will apply to you, but I try to think about a blank white sheet of paper when Tina's in the room... just to be safe.

Finny and DK, while they won't admit it, are deathly afraid of women. Feel free to use that information as you see fit.

I'm pretty sure that Fleabot cheats at chess, although I can't actually prove it. Do the horses really move like that?

Should you ever walk into a room and find yourself there already, run away: It is undoubtedly your evil, other-dimensional twin there to kill you and take your place (And don't fool yourself into thinking this won't happen to you.) Oh, and... uh... just make sure it's not simply a mirror, otherwise you can expect to be teased for quite a while.

Well, that should do for starters. I hope you enjoy your time in the lair. My wife Cheryl is often on hand should you need to talk to anyone, and as the head of Legion Public Relations she'd probably be a good one to go to for advice. Good Luck to you, and may you live in uneventful times... although that's not too likely to happen. So, um... just try not to get whacked in the head too often.

Visionary